Financial Experts Recommend Diversifying Portfolio With Multiple Harebrained Schemes
NEW YORK—Claiming it was the only way to protect one’s assets against economic volatility, a group of financial experts recommended this week that Americans diversify their portfolios with multiple harebrained schemes. “Rather than rely on a single half-baked investment, we strongly encourage people to have several cockamamie business plans to fall back on,” said J.P. […]
Pope Francis Dead At 88
Pope Francis, the Catholic Church’s first Latin American pontiff and a leader who charmed the world with his humble style and concern for the poor, has died at the age of 88. What do you think? “Presbyterians, now’s our chance to strike!” Robyn Phillips, Wiring Inspector “I’m sad, but I’m not ‘Pius XI’ sad.” Edgar […]
God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next Pope
THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. “While I want to commit to finding a successor to Pope Francis, I’m currently in kind […]
Pope Francis’ Children Ask For Privacy Following Father’s Death
VATICAN CITY—Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis’ children issued a statement Tuesday asking for privacy following their father’s death. “While we are sincerely touched by the outpouring of condolences from across the world, we request that you respect our family’s need […]
Unpopular Pete Hegseth Forced To Drink Lunch Alone
WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday. According to witnesses, the 44-year-old former Fox News host wandered through the lunchroom and took slow, deliberate steps past tables filled with jovial military officers […]
Trump Pardons Kid Rock For Whatever Inspired Statutory Rape Lyric In ‘Cool, Daddy Cool’
Trump Pardons Kid Rock For Whatever Inspired Statutory Rape Lyric In ‘Cool, Daddy Cool’ – The Onion Read More source
‘Grief Is The Price We Pay For Love,’ Reports Man Clutching Empty Package Of Salami
CHICAGO—Acknowledging the profound and deeply bittersweet paradox, local man Gary Lanetti reported Tuesday that “grief is the price we pay for love” as he clutched an empty package of salami close to his chest. “Opening yourself up to true love unfortunately means leaving yourself vulnerable to experiencing the deep, sorrowful pain of having eaten it,” […]
Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already
WORCESTER, MA—Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer Aaron Samuel Christensen confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he could have sworn he killed that guy already. “Is my memory playing tricks on me, or did I not just flay and disembowel that guy two weeks ago?” […]