Woman On Diet Weighing Out Peanut Butter Like It Hard Drugs
MARYVILLE, TN—Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on a diet, reportedly weighed out peanut butter Thursday like it was hard drugs. Several reports indicated that Garner precisely laid a dollop of the Jif peanut butter onto a kitchen scale […]
Thrift Store Categorizes Inflatable Birthing Tub As Decor
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Kristi Noem’s Handbag Containing $3,000 Stolen From D.C. Restaurant
While eating dinner at a D.C. restaurant, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem fell victim to a thief who stole her driver’s license, passport, department access badge, medication, makeup bag, blank checks, the keys to her home, and about $3,000 in cash. What do you think? “Uh-oh, it’s a scary time to be without a passport.” […]
Trump Opens Up Nation’s Aquariums To Commercial Fishing
WASHINGTON—Claiming that preservation efforts had impeded U.S. seafood production for far too long, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he had opened up the nation’s aquariums to commercial fishing. “Starting today, fishermen will finally be allowed to sail into America’s protected aquariums, drop a net in any marine exhibit they please, and begin trawling,” Trump […]
RFK Jr. Flushes Nation’s Antidepressants
WASHINGTON—Declaring that there was no better time for the U.S. populace to go cold turkey, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly attempted to flush the nation’s antidepressants this week. “Listen, I found these in your medicine cabinet,” said Kennedy, the 71-year-old Cabinet member stunning Americans in all 50 states as he […]