Fancy Feast Recalls 1 Million Cans Of Food That Cats Just Kind Of Stared At Before Wandering Away
ST. LOUIS—Apologizing to all customers who had received a defective product, pet food giant Fancy Feast issued a massive recall Friday for 1 million cans of food that cats just kind of stared at before wandering away. “Any cans of Fancy Feast Classic Paté, Grilled, or Gravy Lovers should be returned for a full refund […]
Study Finds Plants Increasingly Reliant On Gig Workers For Pollination
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Uncovering a troubling disruption of America’s ecological systems, a study published Friday by researchers at Harvard University found that plants have become increasingly reliant on gig workers for pollination. “Freelance pollen transfer has always been a part of seed plant reproductive strategies, but we were shocked to discover that the number of gig pollinators […]
Marco Rubio Announces Overhaul Of ‘Bloated’ State Department
Secretary of State Marco Rubio has announced plans to make sweeping cuts to the State Department, which he called “bloated” and “bureaucratic.” What do you think? “Nobody has ever been able to explain to me what the rest of the world does anyway.” Shane Demke, Laundry Appraiser “We could easily cut 75% of the world’s […]
Vatican Coroner Confirms Eucharistic Overdose
VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system— roughly four times the legal limit—at the time of death,” […]
Timeline Of Pope Francis’ Life
Pope Francis, the first pope from the Americas, died Easter Monday at age 88. The Onion honors the late pontiff by looking back on his life and legacy. 1936: Jorge Mario Bergoglio is born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to Italian immigrants Regina María Sívori and God. 1953: First ponders priesthood after whiffing on seven different […]
Drake Catches Himself Singing ‘Not Like Us’ In The Shower
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FDA Issues Passive-Aggressive Reminder That Serving Tongs There For A Reason
SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that these guidelines had already been issued to the public plenty of times, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a passive-aggressive safety alert Thursday reminding Americans that the serving tongs were there for a reason. “We just thought we’d let everybody know that serving tongs are not there for decoration, they […]