Rockies Pitcher Out With Altitude Sickness After Ascending Mound Too Quickly
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Trump’s Support Surges After He Points Gun At Nation
WASHINGTON—In a dramatic reversal of recent polls showing a decline in the president’s approval ratings during his first 100 days in office, new surveys confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s support was surging after he pointed a gun at all 340 million Americans. “Ever since Trump pulled out a loaded handgun and menacingly swept its […]
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Honors Guy Going Nuts In Front Row
CLEVELAND—Honoring the concertgoer for his seemingly bottomless reserves of energy, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced Thursday the induction of the guy going nuts in the front row. “Tonight, we’re proud to induct this wild-eyed guy for his commitment to going balls to the wall,” said foundation chairman John Sykes, who lauded the […]
The White House’s Plan For Reversing The Declining Birth Rate
The Trump administration is considering proposals that would help reverse the nation’s declining birth rate. Here are the White House’s ideas for encouraging women to have more babies. Monopoly game pieces on every container of Enfamil sold Increase American manufacturing of fertility statues Air-drop rose petals over residential areas Mandatory twins Remind Americans that every […]