Stephen Miller Dead Behind Eyes At 39
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RFK Jr. Encourages Americans To Do Their Own Research About Dragons
WASHINGTON—Claiming the fantastical creatures were “way too cool” to leave their investigation to a handful of so-called experts, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday encouraging Americans to do their own research about dragons. “People, especially new parents looking for awesome bedtime stories, need to be reading everything they […]
Trump Argues Toy Shortages Easily Overcome By Making Servants Dance
WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that his tariff hikes could result in a frozen supply chain this holiday season, President Donald Trump claimed Friday that any toy shortages Americans experienced could be easily overcome by making the family’s servants dance for their children’s enjoyment. “Maybe instead of 30 dolls this Christmas, children play with the life-size human figurines they […]
What To Know About ‘Sinners’
Sinners, the new movie from Ryan Coogler starring Michael B. Jordan, has received widespread praise from critics and audiences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Sinners about? A: America’s inability to discuss its complex racial history without bringing the Irish into things. Q: Has Sinners broken any […]
Man Gets Best Ideas In Splash Zone
ORLANDO, FL—Claiming epiphanies just seem to come to him when he sits by an orca tank, local man Troy Morales told reporters Friday that he always gets his best ideas in the splash zone. “Something about a 10-foot wall of water crashing onto me really gets the brain juices flowing,” said Morales, who described a […]
Chobani CEO Warns New Hire They In The Yogurt Game Now
NEW BERLIN, NY—Taking the rookie employee aside to offer him “a word to the wise,” Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya warned new hire Austin Cook that he was in the yogurt game now, company sources confirmed Friday. “I don’t know what they taught you back in the boonies of the almond milk world, but you better […]
Runaway Kangaroo Shuts Down Alabama Highway
A runaway kangaroo named Sheila managed to shut down a stretch of interstate in Alabama before state troopers and the animal’s owner were able to wrangle the wayward marsupial. What do you think? “I refuse to believe cops passed on the opportunity to gun down a kangaroo.” Wanda Royer, Hinge Inspector “Man, I’d love to […]
Trump: Russia Must Be Allowed To Keep Fighting As Part Of Any Ceasefire Deal
WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly frustrated by the protracted diplomatic talks, President Donald Trump asserted Thursday that Russia must be allowed to keep fighting as part of any ceasefire deal. “It’s time for Ukraine to come to the negotiating table and accept being attacked,” said Trump, who accused Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky of acting as a barrier to […]