14 Years Avoiding ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’ Spoilers Undone In Single Moment Of Carelessness
SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that all his effort had been in vain, area man Evan Stackelberg told reporters Thursday that his 14 years of avoiding spoilers for Mr. Popper’s Penguins had been undone in a single moment of carelessness. “I stayed off social media, I steered clear of film podcasts, and then the one second I let […]
Katy Perry Teases New Single ‘Stop Making Fun Of Me’
MONTECITO, CA—Revealing to fans that the track was about an issue deeply important to her, singer-songwriter Katy Perry teased a new single Thursday by releasing a short clip of a song titled “Stop Making Fun Of Me.” “Working with Dr. Luke on my fav single in years—this is for the ladies out there who can’t […]
How Deportation Works
According to border czar Tom Homan, the Trump administration deported about 139,000 people in its first 100 days. Here is a breakdown of the U.S. deportation process: STEP 1: Authorities confirm suspects’ illegal status by arresting them. STEP 2: “But I’m a citizen!” repeated back to detainees in nasal sing-song voice. STEP 3: Deportees blindfolded […]
Scientists Discover New Color That Can Only Be Seen Using Laser
A team of scientists claims to have discovered a new color that humans cannot see without the help of technology, with researchers saying they were able to “experience” the color, which they named “olo”, by firing laser pulses into their eyes. What do you think? “It’s not a color ’til Crayola says it is.” Arnold […]
Dad Has Some Choice Words About Hotel Bathroom’s Caulking
HONOLULU—Refusing to pull any punches in his appraisal of the shoddy workmanship, vacationing dad David Stayton reportedly had some choice words about his hotel bathroom’s caulking, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Jeez Louise, looks like it was somebody’s first time taking the caulking gun for a spin,” said Stayton as he grimly surveyed the “disaster zone” […]
New Alabama Law Requires Women To Leave Semen On Lower Back For 9 Months
MONTGOMERY, AL—Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine months. “Today marks a triumph in our fight for the right of men to […]