God Loses $400 Betting On Cardinal Tagle
THE HEAVENS—Cursing aloud the moment news of Leo XIV’s election arrived on His phone screen, the Lord Almighty told reporters this week He had lost $400 betting on Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle to become pope. “Oh, son of a bitch, that pretty much cleans out My savings,” said the visibly frustrated deity, groaning that He […]
Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’
The post Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’ appeared first on The Onion. source
Nervous Man Introduces Date To His Hives
TORONTO—Admitting that he had butterflies in anticipation, local man Greg Fitzsimmons reported feeling nervous Friday before introducing his date to his hives for the first time. “They can get irritated pretty easily, so I really hope everybody gets along,” said the 33-year-old, confessing that it had been quite some time since he had brought a […]
Archaeologists Uncover Embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly Dynasty
CAIRO—In what many are calling the most cringe discovery of the century, a team of archaeologists reportedly uncovered evidence this week of a completely embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly dynasty. “While excavating an area around the Valley of the Kings, we were able to unearth tombs containing artifacts that appear to date from a long-forgotten and groan-inducing […]
Trump Offers Undocumented Immigrants $1,000 To Leave Country
President Donald Trump’s administration said that it is going to pay immigrants who are in the United States illegally and return to their home country voluntarily $1,000 as it pushes forward with its mass deportation agenda. What do you think? “I’d rather get that in a more stable currency, if possible.” Calvin Sutton, Boat Namer […]
Trump Orders Reopening Of Alcatraz
President Donald Trump is directing the reopening and expansion of Alcatraz, the notorious former prison on a hard-to-reach California island off San Francisco that has been closed for more than 60 years. What do you think? “There’s something so romantic about being a political prisoner by the water.” Isabel Hassan, Sausage Spicer “I’ll support any […]