Tips For Planning A Mother’s Day Brunch
Whether you go to a restaurant or host an event in your home, brunch is a great way to celebrate the maternal figures in your life. The Onion shares tips for planning the perfect Mother’s Day brunch. Make sure the restaurant serves whatever bullshit your sister’s eating these days. Avoid awkward silences by bringing a […]
Raccoon With Meth Pipe Found In Driver’s Seat Of Car
After stopping a vehicle whose owner had an active warrant and a suspended driver’s license, police in Ohio were surprised to discover a pet raccoon named Chewy with a meth pipe in its mouth. What do you think? “No wonder raccoons stay up all night.” Pedro Giago, Chapel Promoter “I hope Chewy was good to […]
Study: Most Millennials Will Never Own Swanky Undersea Apartment Where Fish Swim Past Windows
CHICAGO—A study published Friday by the National Association of Realtors concluded that most millennials will never own a swanky undersea apartment where fish swim past the windows. “For the majority of working adults age 29 to 44, the dream of owning a glass-domed apartment on the bottom of the ocean overlooking a vibrant coral reef […]
Elon Musk Pushes Child Aside On Way To Escape Pods As Starbase Collapses
STARBASE, TX—Screaming in terror as he rushed through the raging flames consuming his promised tech utopia, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly pushed aside a 9-year-old child Friday on his way to the escape pods as Starbase collapsed behind him. “Out of my fucking way, short stuff—geniuses first!” the entrepreneur said as he coughed in the smoke […]
Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing
VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. “Five goddamn decades of faith, dedication, and service in the name of our Lord and Savior, and this is […]
Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son’s Leg
DANBURY, CT—Expressing immense satisfaction with the recently purchased device’s performance, area dad Frank Hoyer confirmed Friday that he was impressed by how easily a new lawn mower tore through his son Alan’s leg. “Look at this thing go—didn’t even hiccup gliding through all that tibia!” Hoyer said as he wiped a streak of blood from […]
2nd Grader Orders 70,000 Lollipops On Amazon
A Kentucky mom is speaking out after her 8-year-old son unknowingly ordered 30 boxes of Dum-Dums lollipops on Amazon, racking up a $4,200 charge. What do you think? “But he’ll spoil his 40,000 dinners!” Sophie Burlingame, Copper Welder “Got any blue raspberry?” Ben Petrache, Gerbil Salesman “His parents shouldn’t have let him have unsupervised access […]
Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope
The post Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope appeared first on The Onion. source