U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

The post U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat appeared first on The Onion. source
June 2025 Best Sellers

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Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Paying For Stepchildren’s Endorsement

WASHINGTON—Calling for a major investigation into her husband’s son and daughter from a previous marriage, President Donald Trump leveled allegations Tuesday in which he accused Kamala Harris of paying for her stepchildren’s endorsement in the 2024 presidential election. “How much money did Kamala give the Emhoff kids to support her during her campaign for president?” […]
Anna Rialto and Sean Walter

The bride and groom had dated for 25 years prior to their wedding Saturday, so God knows what inspired them to get married now. The post Anna Rialto and Sean Walter appeared first on The Onion. source
King Charles Switches To More Comfortable Silicone Crown

LONDON—Noting how the new headpiece was much better suited to his royal lifestyle, King Charles III announced Wednesday that he had switched out his 5-pound, solid-gold crown for a more comfortable silicone one. “Unlike my old crown, this silicone one hugs my head perfectly without digging into my forehead or smushing down my hair,” said […]
Relationship Experts Recommend Saying ‘I Love You’ Even If You Don’t Mean It

ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that it’s just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that stressed the importance of saying “I love you” even if you don’t mean it. “It can be stressful when a significant other prompts you to verbalize your affection, but if you immediately say ‘I love you,’ you can […]
Republican Infighting Erupts Over Whether Trump Bill Beautiful Or Handsome
WASHINGTON—With the dispute threatening to derail legislative approval of President Donald Trump’s “big, beautiful bill,” congressional sources confirmed Monday that GOP infighting had erupted over whether the bill was beautiful or handsome. “Republicans have a lot riding on this legislation, and it’s a terrible sign that they can’t even get it out of committee without […]
Understaffed National Weather Service Still Weeks Away From Issuing Kentucky Tornado Warning

SILVER SPRING, MD—In the aftermath of the deadly storms that ripped through the central United States over the weekend, the National Weather Service confirmed Monday that due to critical staffing shortages, the agency was still weeks away from issuing a tornado warning to the affected areas. “We can’t say exactly when yet, but we hope […]