New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT
WASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert Friday that would notify the public whenever the 1996 film Twister was airing on TNT. “If Twister is playing in your area, you will receive a notification on your phone that reads ‘Emergency Warning: […]
Kevin Hagstetter
Knowing it was his time, Kevin Hagstetter instinctively crawled under the porch to die alone at age 73. The post Kevin Hagstetter appeared first on The Onion. source
Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai
CHICAGO—Attempting to keep her browser tab concealed from view for fear her guilty pleasure would be exposed to nearby coworkers, ashamed woman Lily Paolini was reportedly hiding her interest in country music Friday as though it were hentai. “What am I listening to? Oh, just the music of Post Malone. He’s a pop artist,” the […]
Romantic Teen Stands Outside Crush’s Window Holding Up Peter Gabriel
VAN NUYS, CA—Using a grand gesture to reveal his feelings to the object of his affection, local teenager Eddy French reportedly stood outside his crush’s window Friday holding up Peter Gabriel. “As soon as I pulled back my curtain and saw Eddy in the rain with the original frontman of Genesis held high above his head, my […]
DHS: South Sudan Deportations A Lot More Humane When You Learn What Stephen Miller Wanted To Do
WASHINGTON—Describing the plan it went ahead with as “absolutely toothless” by comparison, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday saying the deportation of migrants to South Sudan seemed a lot more humane once you knew what White House adviser Stephen Miller had wanted to do. “Critics can argue that deporting migrants from Vietnam, […]
Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide
WASHINGTON—Saying the plight of white South African farmers affected him on a deeply personal level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Thursday in which he shared his own experiences as a victim of white genocide. “I’ve kept quiet about my past out of a fear that I could still be persecuted, but I too know […]