Tesla Employees Scramble To Make Office Look Like They’ve Been Sleeping There
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to give the impression that they had been burning the midnight oil while CEO Elon Musk was away in Washington, D.C., employees at Tesla reportedly scrambled Thursday to make the office look like they’d been sleeping there. “Elon’s going to be back any minute, so make sure to throw some dirty […]
Crypto Investor Tortures Man In Attempt To Steal Bitcoin Password
A 37-year-old cryptocurrency investor was charged with kidnapping a man and beating, shocking and torturing him for weeks inside a luxury townhouse in downtown Manhattan, all in a scheme to get the man’s Bitcoin password. What do you think? “No amount of torture could make me admit to being into crypto.” Nick Bastidas, Unemployed “Hopefully […]
Trump Pardons Tom Sandoval
WASHINGTON—As part of a flurry of legal actions in recent days that granted clemency to more than 25 people, President Donald Trump reportedly pardoned disgraced Bravo TV star Tom Sandoval this week. “Thanks to President Trump, Tom Sandoval will finally be indemnified against all the toxic Vanderpump Rules drama,” said publicist Ashley Partington, adding that the […]
Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard
President Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard University continues to escalate. The Onion shares a timeline of the dispute’s key dates so far. January 29: Trump administration accuses the Harvard Law Review of promoting violent pro-law rhetoric. February 3: The Justice Department announces the […]
Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit
CUPERTINO, CA—Amidst the strain of tariffs, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Thursday the launch of a new 7,083-piece iPhone kit. “Apple customers will have a blast soldering, polishing, and drilling as they build their very own iPhone,” Cook said in a Keynote presentation at Apple headquarters, touting the new product as an innovative, first-of-its-kind achievement […]
Whole Flight Spent Reading ‘War And Peace’ Over Shoulder Of Passenger Ahead
CHICAGO—After forgetting to bring sufficient entertainment for the two-hour flight from Atlanta to O’Hare Airport, area man Kenneth Vargas reportedly spent his entire time aboard a plane Thursday reading War And Peace over the shoulder of the passenger seated in the row ahead of him. “I felt like an idiot for not downloading any books […]
Recession Forecasts Jump After Herds Of Panicked Economists Start Running Off Cliffs
NEW YORK—With unexplained natural phenomena having predicted seven of the last eight market collapses, experts confirmed the likelihood of a recession had increased Thursday amid reports that herds of panicked economists had started running off cliffs. “We still don’t know what causes them to do it, but economists can naturally sense a recession in the […]
Interactive Exhibit Lets Kids Figure Out How To Manage Budget Shortfall That Will Otherwise Shutter Museum
MEMPHIS, TN—In a last-ditch effort to keep the lights on, the Memphis Science Center confirmed it had opened a new interactive exhibit this week that lets kids figure out how to manage the budget shortfall that, if it is not dealt with, will soon shutter the museum. “Through our ‘Fun With Funding Cuts’ display, children […]