MAGA Voter Assumed Trump Would Only Deport People On List She Mailed To White House
SAN DIEGO—Shocked by the Immigration and Customs Enforcement raids affecting her very own community, local 43-year-old Jillian Beamer told reporters Monday she had assumed President Donald Trump would only deport people on the list she mailed to the White House. “With all of these deportations going on, I can’t help but feel like he’s breaking […]
Befuddled Magnus Carlsen Bested By Dreaded Checkmate Gambit
STAVANGER, NORWAY—Moments after a stunning defeat by 19-year-old Indian prodigy Gukesh Dommaraju, befuddled chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen exclaimed Monday that he had been bested by the dreaded checkmate gambit. “My God, you’ve played the fearful Checkmate Gambit, haven’t you? An astonishing piece of strategy,” said the visibly flustered Carlsen, his eyes scanning the board to determine […]
Musk Weighs Return To Politics After 60th Death On ‘Elden Ring Nightreign’ Tutorial
AUSTIN, TX—Reconsidering his recent departure from Washington as the words ‘YOU DIED’ appeared once more on his screen, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly weighed a return to politics Monday after his 60th death on the tutorial level of Elden Ring Nightreign. “Seems like these enemies are glitched to be unkillable—maybe I should stop back by the […]
Japan Celebrates New Sumo Champion After Years Of Mongolian Dominance
Japan has a new sumo grand champion and the first Japanese competitor to reach the top rank since 2017, the sport having recently been dominated by Mongolians who won six of the previous seven titles. What do you think? “Start eating, Mongolians.” Kelsey Merritt, Candy Packager “Why does being a big fat guy have to […]
Strangers In The Night
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,”How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!”and hangs up.Her husband rolls over and asks,”Sweetheart, who was that?” “I don’t know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear.” #joke […]
Tips For Preventing And Treating Tick Bites
Summer is tick season. The Onion shares tips for protecting yourself from ticks and the diseases that they carry. Wear long sleeves and tall socks when volunteering at the local tick shelter. Hike in a zigzag motion to throw ticks off your trail. Use baking soda, though we can’t remember exactly how, where, when, or […]
Give It Some Juice, Report Sources Fiddling Under Car Hood
RENO, NV—Switching out the torque wrench for something with a little more “oomph,” local sources fiddling under the car hood reportedly requested Monday that it be given some juice. “Come on now, rev ’er up good,” cylinder-block-examining sources said while wiping sweat from their brow with the back of a grease-smudged hand. “Keep goosing the […]