JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns
The post JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns appeared first on The Onion. source
Nintendo Warns Users Not To Remove Protective Foreskin From Switch 2
REDMOND, WA—Issuing a warning before the console’s highly anticipated launch this week, Nintendo announced Tuesday that users of the Switch 2 should not remove its protective foreskin. “When unwrapping your new Switch 2, please be careful not to peel off the device’s highly sensitive frenulum,” said Nintendo spokesperson Jason Knight, explaining that the thin, retractable […]
Man Cuts Back From 6 Normal Beers Per Day To 3 Huge Ones
BRAINERD, MN—Admitting that it was finally time to grow up and start making healthy life choices, local man Russell McGrath told reporters Monday that he was cutting back from drinking six normal beers a day and would now just drink three huge ones. “While it may have been fine back in my 20s, drinking a […]
Proactive Man Starts Working On Dracula Impression Early So It Ready For Halloween
BEVERLY, MA—Launching into preparations months early in an effort to get a head start, proactive local man Mark Cromwell was reportedly already working on his Dracula impression Wednesday so it would be ready for Halloween. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure when it comes to having a world-class Count Dracula voice,” said […]