FEMA Chief Confused By Wind
WASHINGTON—Visibly unnerved after experiencing a slight breeze through an office window, acting head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency David Richardson reportedly became confused Thursday by the concept of wind, remarking that he didn’t understand how he could feel something that he couldn’t see. “Does anyone else feel, like, air moving across their skin?” the […]
IT Guy Slips On Carpal Tunnel Braces With Calm Of Soldier Prepared To Die In Battle
COLUMBUS, OH—Locked into a steely focus while readying himself for the task at hand, area IT support specialist Jeff Miller reportedly prepared to address a tech issue Thursday by slipping on his carpal tunnel braces with the calm of a soldier prepared to die in battle. “Okay, let me take a look,” Miller said in […]
Christie Brinkley Also Shocked To Learn She Not Spokesperson For Skechers
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that she shared in the confusion held by a majority of U.S. and foreign consumers, Christie Brinkley was also shocked to learn this week that she was not a spokesperson for Skechers. “This whole time I thought I was surely in at least one 30-second TV spot where I’m strolling down a city […]
Rift Widens Between Elon Musk, Anyone Who Ever Met Him
AUSTIN, TX—Stressing that the billionaire’s completely erratic behavior had strained the already fraught relationships, sources confirmed Thursday that a rift was widening between Elon Musk and anyone who had ever met him. “Elon’s megalomania and tendency to lash out indiscriminately seem to have soured things with every person he’s encountered in his entire life,” said […]
The Needled and the Damaged Son
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