Fake Flight Attendant Flew 120 Flights For Free
A 35-year-old man who falsely claimed to be a flight attendant for six years to book over 120 free flights was convicted by a federal jury. What do you think? “That’s nothing—I was pretending to be the judge.” Ivan Nettles, Paint Stripper “Fucker never brought me my Diet Coke, either.” Andrew Maney, Leek Chopper “I […]
Ah Fuck, They Painted The Brick
Beautiful Georgian home in a perfect neighborhood, your literal dream home, except get this: They painted the fucking brick. What kind of moron would paint brick? The post Ah Fuck, They Painted The Brick appeared first on The Onion. source
Jeremy Allen White Undergoes Experimental Mouth Enlargement Surgery
The post Jeremy Allen White Undergoes Experimental Mouth Enlargement Surgery appeared first on The Onion. source
SWAT Team Robot Successfully Dismantles Black Man
LUBBOCK, TX—Saying the threat posed too great a risk to the life of its officers, the Lubbock Police Department confirmed Thursday its SWAT team had deployed a robot that succeeded in dismantling a potentially dangerous Black man. A spokesperson for the department, which reportedly received dozens of calls from individuals claiming to have seen a […]
No One Sure Why Kristi Noem Wearing Firefighter Helmet, Night-Vision Goggles, High Heels, Wet Suit
WASHINGTON—Racking their brains as they tried to determine the express purpose of the homeland security secretary’s outfit, sources confirmed Monday they were not sure why Kristi Noem was wearing a firefighter helmet, night-vision goggles, high heels, and a wet suit. “Huh, that’s odd, but there must be some kind of reason for it, right?” said […]
Teacher Required To Provide Own Salary
BALTIMORE—As public schools across the country increasingly face budget shortfalls, educators like Patricia Harper, a fifth-grade teacher in Baltimore, have reportedly found it more necessary than ever to provide their own salaries. “I’m committed to coming into this classroom every day and helping my students learn, but in order to do this, I’m now required […]