Mom Would Rather Kids Host Freak-Off In Own Basement Instead Of Some Rapper’s House
CLEVELAND—Insisting she preferred the peace of mind that came from knowing who her children were spending time with, local mom Sandra Peck told reporters Tuesday she would rather her kids host a freak-off in their own basement instead of at some rapper’s house. “Of course, I’d rather they not freak-off at all, but if they’re […]
Mike Lee Stresses He Would Have Posted Same Thing If Own Family Savagely Murdered
WASHINGTON—After being confronted about social media posts that blamed the shootings of two Minnesota lawmakers on the far left, Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) stressed Tuesday that he would have said the same thing if his own family had been savagely murdered. “Democrats can say what they want about me, but I would have absolutely called […]
Molly Hall and David Kerry
The pair tied the knot in a small backyard ceremony Sunday at the childhood home of their Airbnb host. The post Molly Hall and David Kerry appeared first on The Onion. source
Salami Brandished
The post Salami Brandished appeared first on The Onion. source
Woman Giving Birth Assured Everything Looks Gross Down There
BURLINGTON, VT—Receiving encouragement from her ob-gyn as she struggled amid the throes of childbirth, area woman Jill Henderson was assured while giving birth Tuesday that everything was looking gross down there. “You’re doing great, and your cervix is every bit as revolting as it should be at this stage of labor,” said Dr. Thomas Carver, who […]
You Sure You’re In The Mood For Another Wes Anderson Film With Everything That’s Going On?
Hey, guys. It’s me, acclaimed filmmaker Wes Anderson. I just finished my latest movie, The Phoenician Scheme, and it’s going to be great. It’s got everything—an ensemble cast of A-listers, set designs to die for, and a mid-century setting in exotic locales. But real quick, before I go ahead and release it, I wanted to […]
Gunman Takes Huge Swing Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza
CHATTANOOGA, TN—In the midst of an armed bank robbery that authorities said is still ongoing, an unidentified gunman allegedly took a huge swing during a tense standoff Monday when he ordered his hostages Buffalo chicken pizza. Law enforcement officials confirmed the First National Bank downtown had been surrounded by SWAT teams for over six hours […]
GOP Lawmakers Clarify Their Hate-Filled Rhetoric Only Meant To Stoke Fundraising
WASHINGTON—Following the Minnesota attacks in which one Democratic state legislator was killed and another was shot nine times, Republican members of Congress issued a statement Monday clarifying that their hate-filled rhetoric was only meant to stoke fundraising. “While some argue that our inflammatory language was intended to dehumanize and fuel violence against our political rivals, […]