Jeff Bezos’ Italian Wedding By The Numbers
Jeff Bezos, Amazon founder and the world’s second richest man, wed his fiancé Lauren Sanchez in a lavish, multi-day ceremony this week in Venice, Italy. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event. 4,976: Number of Amazon fulfillment center workers who fainted on the job to make this possible 25: Yacht pileup in […]
Andrew Cuomo Subpoenas Gynecological Records Of Women Who Didn’t Vote For Him
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Bezos Wedding Guests Delighted By Amazon Worker With Ring Tied To Collar Crawling Down Aisle
VENICE, ITALY—Smiling at the couple’s lighthearted twist on a traditional ring bearer, guests at the wedding of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez were reportedly delighted this week by the sight of an Amazon worker with a ring tied to his collar crawling down the aisle. “Oh my gosh, my heart is melting—such a good boy,” […]
Bezos Wedding Guests Given Monogrammed Plastic Bottles To Urinate In During Ceremony
VENICE, ITALY—In a welcome bag filled with favors such as local chocolates, artisanal soaps, and scented candles, guests arriving for the wedding of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez this week were reportedly given monogrammed plastic bottles in which to urinate during the ceremony. “Because guests will be strictly prohibited from leaving the room […]
Parenting Experts Warn Babies Can Hydroplane In As Little As One Inch Of Water
ITHACA, NY—Stressing that even shallow puddles could undermine an infant’s traction, parenting experts at Cornell University published a report Wednesday in which they warned that babies could hydroplane in as little as one inch of water. “You have to watch infants and toddlers closely around water, because even a thin layer can send them sliding […]
Improperly Dressed Applebee’s Diner Provided Loaner Stained Hoodie
BLOOMINGTON, IL—Stopping the polo-clad man and ushering him off toward the bathroom, restaurant staff reportedly provided an improperly dressed Applebee’s patron with a loaner stained hoodie on Wednesday. “I’m sorry, sir, but we cannot seat you unless you are wearing something more in line with this establishment’s dress code,” said Applebee’s hostess Angeline Reilly, who […]