MIAMI—Groaning as he scrolled through the terms and conditions and agreed to hold the platform harmless in the event of a financial loss, local man Ben Tormos told reporters Monday that he couldn’t believe he had to download a stupid app just to bribe the president. “Why can’t bribing the president be as straightforward as doing a dead drop of a briefcase in a parking garage like it used to be?” said Tormos, complaining that he had to link his bank account to a cryptocurrency exchange and make space on his phone by deleting some of the apps he used to bribe other world leaders and public officials. “What do you mean I have to ‘create a wallet’ and convert all my funds into special tokens? This was supposed to make kickbacks simple and streamlined, but it’s just a headache. Christ, I don’t want push notifications informing me about new opportunities to funnel money to the president and his family.” At press time, Tormos’ phone was reportedly glitching as a result of the Chinese spyware that came with the app.
Texas Bans Being Different Around Children
May 13, 2025
AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being
