AUSTIN, TX—Reconsidering his recent departure from Washington as the words ‘YOU DIED’ appeared once more on his screen, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly weighed a return to politics Monday after his 60th death on the tutorial level of Elden Ring Nightreign. “Seems like these enemies are glitched to be unkillable—maybe I should stop back by the DOGE offices until the devs roll out a patch to fix these hitboxes,” Musk said as he waited to respawn for another attempt, with eyewitnesses reporting that he had died against a weak, sluggish enemy intended only to teach him the basics of lock-on targeting. “There must be some congressional special election I can get involved with until they buff Wylder to have better survivability. Dodge rolling needs at least twice the i-frames to be viable. FromSoft must have gone woke and added some DEI hires to their quality assurance team to ship a game this broken. Too bad. I’d been looking forward to some gaming after all my hard work for the American people, but perhaps another government gig like overhauling NASA would be a better use of my talents.” At press time, sources confirmed Musk was contemplating a return to Elden Ring Nightreign after his 60th unreturned phone call to President Donald Trump.
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