Cow Slaughtered For Its Bell

MEADE, KS—Saying the difficult act was necessary so his family wouldn’t be starved for clangs, local farmer Troy Cox told reporters Friday that he had been forced to slaughter a cow for its bell. “I told Molly that I was sorry, girl, but we need that bell if we’re going to make it through the year,” said Cox, who removed the prized bell from the slaughtered animal before dumping its carcass into a compost heap. “When you live on a farm, you have to be practical and make tough choices. You can tell by the clean sheen and melodic sounds that this is a prime bell, and it should be more than enough to hold us over with rings until winter. Either that, or we sell it and put the money toward the mortgage. There’s a real bell shortage now, and it could fetch a fine price. We aren’t cruel about it, though. Used to be the bell was cut off the cow with a knife, but now we have a more humane method that drives a bolt into the cow’s head.” At press time, Cox was reportedly kicking himself after leaving the bell outside for too long, allowing it to rust.