Woman Giving Birth Assured Everything Looks Gross Down There

BURLINGTON, VT—Receiving encouragement from her ob-gyn as she struggled amid the throes of childbirth, area woman Jill Henderson was assured while giving birth Tuesday that everything was looking gross down there. “You’re doing great, and your cervix is every bit as revolting as it should be at this stage of labor,” said Dr. Thomas Carver, who assured Henderson that if he weren’t desensitized from delivering hundreds of babies over the years, he would definitely be vomiting into a wastebasket right now. “There’s plenty of goop and mucus and God-knows-what else coming out of there, so we’re right on track. Just a few more big expulsions of absolutely nasty bodily fluids, and this horror show should be over!” At press time, Dr. Carver had reportedly informed Henderson that her labor was no longer progressing toward the necessary level of foulness and she would need to undergo a thoroughly hideous C-section.