Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing

VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. “Five goddamn decades of faith, dedication, and service in the name of our Lord and Savior, and this is the thanks I get?” said the 70-year-old Veteran Vatican diplomat, adding that he would have spent his life mired in sin if he knew it was going to end with Cardinal Robert Prevost being elected the 267th Pope of the Catholic Church. “Seriously. I spent 56 years living a moral, humble, and charitable life to get snubbed by some catty Cardinals at their stupid little Conclave. I took a vow of celibacy for God’s sake! Everyone must think I’m such an idiot.” A distraught Parolin added that he knew he should have listened to his gut, never joined the seminary, and devoted his life to Islam instead.