AUSTIN, TX—Proclaiming that he had “done enough,” billionaire Elon Musk confirmed Thursday that he would be taking a step back from fatherhood. “I’ve accomplished all I really intended to accomplish as a father—spreading my seed, preserving my bloodline—and now I can spend more time focusing on other things,” said Musk, who told reporters that after pouring millions of dollars and sperm cells into the project, he was ready to scale that number back to zero. “I need to get my priorities in line. Fatherhood distracted me from what really matters, which is running Tesla. If I see a reason to do it in the future, I’ll do it, but currently, I don’t see a reason.” At press time, sources revealed that Musk’s decision may have been motivated by falling popularity among his children.
New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT
May 23, 2025
WASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert
