Financial Experts Recommend Diversifying Portfolio With Multiple Harebrained Schemes

NEW YORK—Claiming it was the only way to protect one’s assets against economic volatility, a group of financial experts recommended this week that Americans diversify their portfolios with multiple harebrained schemes. “Rather than rely on a single half-baked investment, we strongly encourage people to have several cockamamie business plans to fall back on,” said J.P. Morgan financial advisor Jonathan Rattler, adding that it was important to mitigate risk through a combination of foolhardy ventures like breeding koi fish, stealing copper wire from a scrapyard, and buying a machine on Alibaba that makes lab-grown diamonds. “We suggest investing in a variety of dubious sectors, including miracle hair-growth supplements, alpaca rentals, and using outlets at public libraries to run your own bitcoin farm. Also, we know a guy who makes $2 million a year installing vending machines in local prisons. If you want, we can put you in touch.” Rattler added that Americans planning to retire by age 60 should really consider giving their brother-in-law the $10,000 he requested, because his idea to import exotic ferns was a surefire thing.