‘Grief Is The Price We Pay For Love,’ Reports Man Clutching Empty Package Of Salami

CHICAGO—Acknowledging the profound and deeply bittersweet paradox, local man Gary Lanetti reported Tuesday that “grief is the price we pay for love” as he clutched an empty package of salami close to his chest. “Opening yourself up to true love unfortunately means leaving yourself vulnerable to experiencing the deep, sorrowful pain of having eaten it,” said the visibly distraught Lanetti, tearfully reckoning with the now-empty plastic that once contained his beloved Columbus Craft Meats Italian Dry Salami. “There is a 12-ounce hole in my heart now that the meat is gone, but I know that utter emptiness I feel is directly proportional to the joy that swelled inside me when the salami was still here. Nothing I can say or do will ever bring these cold cuts back. Yet, anytime I open the refrigerator door, I expect my salami to be there greeting me, tenderly planting its grease on my lips. All I have now is the painful memory of what could have been, and all the sandwiches left unmade.” Lanetti added that he would be holding his kielbasa a little closer tonight.