EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Scolding thousands of employees for letting themselves become distracted from their schooling, Rockstar Games announced Friday that Grand Theft Auto VI would be delayed until the studio’s developers got their grades up. “We understand how much our team wants to release a painstakingly crafted Vice City into the world, but there’s just no way we can do that for them until we see them put their nose to the grindstone in Algebra II,” said Strauss Zelnick, CEO of Rockstar parent company Take Two Interactive, stressing that a C-minus in biology “just wouldn’t cut it,” particularly given how much games cost to develop these days. “The simple fact is they’re losing track of what matters most, which is making the honor roll, finding a summer job, and really thinking about their future. You can’t just skip half your homework assignments and spend all your time working on jiggle physics for the strip clubs scattered across the fictional state of Leonida. Maybe if they get that GPA up, we’ll consider releasing GTA VI for them in Q2 of 2026. But that’s a big maybe.” Zelnick added that it wouldn’t hurt if Rockstar’s team of software engineers all tried joining the junior varsity track team.
Texas Bans Being Different Around Children
May 13, 2025
AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being
