Millions of Americans will celebrate Independence Day with fireworks this year, though the legality of the explosives varies throughout the country. The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning fireworks.
PRO
Kites can take their rightful place as sovereigns of the sky
Lose most effective way to quickly raze 4,000 acres of forestland
Medical fireworks still available through firework dispensaries
No reason to visit Indiana anymore
Mom’s new boyfriend will instead have to prove himself by eating really spicy pepper
CON
No way to find out which dogs would abandon you in a shootout
Far fewer loose fingers for birds to incorporate into nest
Billy’s Fireworks & Stuff can only sell so many vapes
No other reason to look up at the sky in wonder
Yet another American tradition discarded for nothing more than safety, environmental hazards, animal welfare, and good taste
