Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him

NEW YORK—Insisting that they were all busy people with things to do, Sean “Diddy” Combs reportedly asked a U.S. district court judge for a quick trial Tuesday so that he could just get to the part where President Trump pardons him. “With all due respect, your honor, can we skip some of the preamble and jump to when Trump gets all these sex trafficking and racketeering charges thrown out?” said the disgraced rap mogul, interrupting a federal prosecutor’s statement in order to stress that it would really be better for all parties if they put aside any allegations of rape or physical abuse that were going to be reversed by a stroke of the president’s pen anyway. “There’s no need to draw this out. Let’s just cut to the chase. If it’s helpful, I’m happy to go do a photo op in the Oval Office today thanking the president and handing him a Bad Boy Records jersey.” After Combs’ statement, the judge was said to have sat in stunned silence for a full minute before admitting the defendant did have a point.