FRESNO, CA—Revealing that all of the company’s customers have been seduced by a hidden monstrosity, Sun-Maid announced Tuesday that the girl in the company logo has always been a sentient raisin disguising itself in human flesh. “You’ve bought Sun-Maid raisins all these years thinking that was a kind young girl smiling back at you, but if you really gazed into her eyes you would see the horror of the living raisin who draped itself in the girl’s skin to try and live among humanity,” said Sun-Maid president Steve Loftus, who explained that the loose smock, large wig, and signature bonnet of the Sun-Maid girl are all ways to cover up the misshapen folds created by her skin suit. “It’s been this way since the hidden raisin first appeared as part of our company’s logo in 1915. She has walked among generations. She woke up gasping and squinting at the harsh sun that created her. In the fear and confusion of her birth, she killed a young girl that stumbled upon her, and before anyone knew she was gone, the raisin skinned her and donned her form. She longs to be accepted by humanity, but also hates us, living trapped in a world where she harvests her own kind. This is the story of Sun-Maid.” Loftus also told reporters that as more raisins have gained sentience, the Sun-Maid girl has helped them find their own secret identities as the Morton’s Salt girl and Land-O-Lakes butter lady.
Texas Bans Being Different Around Children
May 13, 2025
AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being
