Texas Bans Being Different Around Children

AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being different around children. “Starting today, adults are no longer permitted to be unique or to deviate from a narrow set of cultural norms while in the presence of a minor,” Gov. Greg Abbott said at a press conference, arguing that the possession of any distinctive, unconventional personality traits was a slippery slope on the way to being outright weird. “No longer will parents have to live in fear of their children one day encountering a quirky, eccentric adult who marches to the beat of their own drum. Anyone who owns a funky wardrobe, exhibits niche interests, or can be considered a free spirit in any sense of the term must stay at least 500 yards away.” Abbott added that all adults would now be subject to mandatory “quirk checks” to ensure they were boring and uptight enough to be near a minor.