President Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard University continues to escalate. The Onion shares a timeline of the dispute’s key dates so far.
January 29: Trump administration accuses the Harvard Law Review of promoting violent pro-law rhetoric.
February 3: The Justice Department announces the creation of the multiagency Task Force to Own the Libs.
February 19: Trump’s negative view of Harvard cemented after watching the Good Will Hunting barroom scene on Paramount+.
March 6: Trump signs an executive order declaring that the president can’t be accused of antisemitism.
April 3: Harvard pressured to increase diversity of viewpoints by hiring more professors with successful AM talk radio shows
April 14: Harvard pointedly rejects the Trump administration’s demands by sending his messenger back to the White House decapitated and strapped to their horse.
May 2: Harvard asserts there is “no legal basis” for taking away its tax-exempt status, making it a near certainty that Trump will do so.
May 15–17: Brief respite as Trump forgets any of this happening.
May 28: Trump demands a list of all international students’ names, countries, and skull measurements.
September 1, 2027: Trump awarded honorary degree in exchange for releasing Harvard president from Oval Office bird cage.
