Hiking can be an enjoyable way to achieve your exercise goals while spending quality time in nature. Here are The Onion’s tips for first-time hikers.
Before heading into the wilderness, practice walking around and getting bored in your neighborhood.
Carry a writing implement and paper for your heartbreaking last note.
Don’t hike with anyone you’re not willing to eat.
Head in a general “up” direction.
When encountering potentially dangerous animals, spread your wallet open as wide as you can to demonstrate that you are richer than they are.
Only venture off the official trail to investigate the mystical voice of a woman singing somewhere just out of view.
Wear reflective gear so circling vultures can find you.
Be considerate of other hikers by only playing Cher’s greatest hits from your bluetooth speaker, not deeper cuts that nobody knows.
Tip wildlife generously.
Start early so you can ditch the hike and get to IHOP before the crowds.
