‘You On The Apps?’ Heralds Beginning Of World’s Bleakest Conversation

LOS ALAMOS, NM—The four words presaging even grimmer dialogue to come, the phrase “you on the apps?” reportedly heralded the beginning of the world’s bleakest conversation, sources reported Tuesday. Several reports indicated that the already dire back-and-forth was further cemented as among the most depressing ever once the speaker followed up with a question about whether the listener preferred Bumble over Tinder. According to sources, the ensuing periods of silences broken up by the phrases “for sure, for sure,” and “oh, yeah, totally,” assured this conversation’s status as one of the most dismal in the course of human history. At press time, both participants in the conversation had reportedly gone home together to engage in some of the planet’s most mundane and joyless sexual intercourse.